Owl Posts
by Farangis
Summary: I heard you faking orgasm for Potty last night - or was it the Weasel" "I was SINGING you sodding git" - read the owl posts between our favorite HB & HG. (DMHG, HPGW)
1. Fake orgasms, Hermione's singing, etc

Author's Note:

This story is set in the trio's seventh year. Draco and Hermione are Head Boy and Head Girl. They are on civil terms (somewhat) with each other, and share a dorm together.

English is not my native language so please pardon any grammatical mistakes.

Disclaimer:

Harry Potter doesn't belong to me. In case the other 30,000 some fanfiction on this site hasn't clued you in, let's make clear on that.

Now, on to the story.

* * *

November 24th 

Granger,

You STILL have my arithmancy textbook. Give it back! Stealing doesn't reflect very well on your holier-than-thou Gryffindor house, does it? I'm in the Potion's Lab making that blasted Veritiserum. Get your studious little mudblood ass here immediately when you get this note.

Malfoy

PS: Do make sure you keep the hidden content, well, hidden. You get what I'm saying.

* * *

Malfoy, 

First off, I didn't steal, I borrowed. Note the difference, unless you really are blonde and stupid. Secondly, I only borrowed that book from you last night! I doubt you would be in such a hurry to get it back, if you didn't accidentally leave your PlayWizard in it. No wonder you never fall asleep in Professor Vector's class.

Gryffindor-Hufflepuff match starts in ten minutes and I'm gonna go root for my house. I'll be studying in my room tonight, come to pick up your textbook then. I'm sure your horny pureblood ass can survive without porn for another five hours.

And if you do get desperate, there is always Parkinson.

Granger

* * *

Granger,

Fine. I will stop by tonight. And drop that pristine ice maid scowl on your face. Even though I can't see it, I can bloody well feel the temperature drop all the way here from the dungeon. It's not like this dump isn't drafty enough, thank you very much.

Oh and, no need for that sacred virgin act in front of me. I heard you faking orgasm for Potty last night - or was it the Weasel? A friendly word of advice – get someone with real equipment, so you can know what a real orgasm sound like, or put on a silencing spell next time. That yodeling of yours was REALLY painful to the ears. I wouldn't have stayed in my room, if Pansy wasn't setting up her man-eater traps outside our portrait hole.

Malfoy

* * *

Malfoy you perverted bastard! 

I was SINGING, you sodding git! Honestly, do you ONLY think with the head that is NOT above your shoulders? No wonder you are so desperate for porn – you obviously don't get laid enough. Your imagination takes such wild and totally disturbing turns.

* * *

Merlin's bathrobes Granger! You were SINGING, you daft cow? Ohhhhh… Do tell me Potty was there with you? Or at least one of the Weasels? Dammit if I had to suffer through that, so should they! They are the ones claiming to be your friends! 

But you know, maybe you are right. Maybe I don't get laid often enough. Want to help in that aspect? Let's take a detour on our next patrol, what do you say? In the astronomy tower, just you, me and my wand. Then, maybe the next time I hear you sing I'll share Zabini's opinion. He stopped by last night and thought you were torturing small, furry animals in your room.

* * *

Malfoy, 

How about not? Better yet, how about you, me and MY wand instead? A nice incendio to the crotch should do the trick. And the astronomy tower? My, aren't you the original one. Honestly, I don't think anyone in Hogwarts go there to watch the star anymore. Well, at least not those in the skies. I prefer to plot my star charts from the Quidditch field instead. The amount of snogging going on in that blasted tower is positively disgusting.

Anyway, leave me to watch the rest of the game in peace!

Granger

* * *

Granger, 

Incendio? OUCH! You are a cruel, cruel woman. Fine, go watch Potty fall off that broom, if you are so inclined. But I better get my book back tonight, or I'm recording your nextmusical performance and blasting it in the Great Hall.

Malfoy

* * *

_Well… That's it for now. This little idea has been toying with my head for the last couple days, I just had to write it down. Reviews will be greatly appreciated. I don't know if there will be a next chapter._

_- Farangis_


	2. Draco's sordid affair with Blaise Zabini

Author's Note: Thanks for all the nice reviews and encouragement! I'm back with the second chapter as a result. Hope this one doesn't disappoint.

Disclaimer: If Harry Potter belonged to me, I wouldn't be working my butt off for that meager wage, taking the subway everyday and cursing all those amazingly natural born assholes only New York City can manage to produce.

* * *

December 21st 

_First draft:_

Herm

_Second draft:_

Granger,

Dumbledore asked me to tell you that you are expected here on the 3rd of January. He would have owled you himself, but then the lazy bastard found out I was writing to you. Anyway, something about Heads Duty. Apparently we are to spend the week helping professors finalize curriculums and schedules, etc. I didn't catch most of it, since I was busy contemplating ways to gauge his bloody eyes out. How does anyone's eyes bloody well twinkle that much? If I didn't know better, I'd say the old bugger fancies me. (shudders)

I'm glad that you will be back early. I've missed you, sort of. Even your incessant babbling is better than this utter silence around the

_Third draft:_

Granger,

Dumbledore asked me to tell you that you are expected here on the 3rd of January. Something about helping the professors finalize their curriculums and schedules, etc.

I'm tolerably satisfied that you will be back early. Never thought I'd be saying this, but I've sort of maybe gotten used to your incessant babbling. Only a little bit, really, so don't let it get into your head cus I

_Final draft:_

Granger,

Get your ass back here on the 3rd of January. Don't be late. Heads duty.

Malfoy

* * *

Malfoy,

Never thought I'd live to see the day when you fancy a Griffendor muggle-born witch. It does my heart good to know true love conquers all, this day and age still. (swoons)

Zabini

* * *

Zabini,

What are you rambling about you daft bugger?

Malfoy

_

* * *

Oh, Hermione, my bushy-hair maiden! I've missed you, I can't live without you! It's so lonely and dark here without you. Please come back to me, I need you to tuck me into bed at night, and give me cookies when I cry._

How sweeeeet!

A word of advice, Malfoy: you never know who is bored enough to look through the trash.

Zabini

* * *

Zabini,

You bastardly bloody bastard! Never thought I'd see a Zabini sink to the level of a Weasley. Honestly, there is no need to stay here for the holidays just to pick trash. I'm sure you could have whored your ass to Parkinson for a couple sickles, if you are this desperate.

Now tell me, what is it going to take for you to shut up? Password to the prefect's bathroom? Secret passageway to Ravenclaw 7th year girls' dorm? Picture of McGonagall in lace?

Malfoy

* * *

Malfoy,

I'm not even going to ask about the last one. As much as I hate giving up perfect blackmail material, that stuff is not for the weak stomached. Come meet me outside Potion's classroom at 11 tonight, and I'll tell you what I want.

Zabini

PS: There is a secret passageway to the Ravenclaw girls' dorm? Really?

* * *

Zabini,

Fine. I will meet you there. It better be worth my time or I will not hesitate to hex your balls off. It's not like you use them, anyway.

Malfoy

PS: This is an old dump of a castle, of course there are secret passageways. There is also one to the Griffindor boys' dorm, but really, who would want to be scarred for life?

* * *

December 22nd

_Hogwarts Enquirer_

_For those of you who wondered why many students opted to stay in school for Christmas this year, you need to wonder no longer – at least not on the accounts of Draco Malfoy and Blaise Zabini._

_Last night found our very own Head Boy and his fellow Slytherin engaged in a passionate embrace on the dungeon floor, outside Potion's classroom. If not for our reporter's accidental and very untimely intrusion, one could only speculate where the fiery snogging session may have led to, as Mr. Malfoy had both his legs wrapped around Mr. Zabini's waist at the time. (Breathe girls, breathe.)_

_Both Slytherins' fathers were sent to Azkaban months ago for supporting You- Know-Who in the war, leaving their heirs free to expose their passionate affair to the world. As happy as we are for both Mr. Malfoy and Mr. Zabini, we cannot but mourn the loss of two of Hogwarts' most handsome bachelors._

* * *

Malfoy,

Just want to let you know that I got your incredibly short and rude owl post. Charming asalways, aren't you?Don't worry, Iwill be there on the 3rd of January. And, while I don't normally pay attention to anything in the _Hogwarts Enquirer_, I cannot help but ask: what is with that steamy little article about you and Zabini snogging in the dungeons? Not that I want to pry into your personal life. I'monly concerned with my own peace of mind when you start bringing your boyfriends to our dorm.

Granger

_

* * *

Don't worry, I will have a third chapter out very soon, in which Draco will explain his sordid affair with Blaise Zabini to Hermione. Also in the next chapter, someone receives a nice invitation and someone else suffers a near heart attack from shock._

_And, the drafts of Draco's letters to Hermione were modified for because it doesn't allow for strike through fonts, which took all the fun out of my original and I was forced to rewrite them. I'm considering making my own webpage to post this story. I will add the link if I do eventually have that up._

_And, as I was writing this story, I suddenly realized something: I'm a very deranged person :P_

_-Farangis_


	3. The rotten house of evil

Disclaimer: Seeprevious chapter

Rant of the day: Spider on the desk, spider on the desk, HELP! Yes, I'm insane. No, I'm not Ron Weasley

* * *

December 22nd

Curse you Granger, you sick, sick cow! For your information, I was NOT snogging that slimy, smelly piece of hippogriff's ass! What those Ravenclaw imbeciles dabbed 'a passionate embrace' was me wringing Zabini's neck! Passionate? Sure, I was pretty passionate - ABOUT BEATING THE BUFFOON TO A BLOODY PULP! And yes, I did have a leg, NOT TWO, around Zabini's waist - but that was to flip him over so I could properly pound his stupid face flat!

So there, cross me off the list of Potty's potential love interests, will you? He should just set up house officially with the weasel king, because I sure as hell don't bend that way!

Malfoy_

* * *

_

Howler, from Head Boy to the Chief Editor of Hogwarts Enquirer

YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER BASTARD! I'M GOING TO RIP YOUR INTESTINES OUT, HANG BLUDGERS ON THEM UNTIL THEY SNAP, AND FEED THEM TO THE GAINT SQUID! I'M GOING TO TEAR YOUR BALLS OFF, GRILL THEM, AND STUFF THEM DOWN YOUR BLOODY THROAT! AND THEN I'M GOING TO SATISFY YOUR GAY LOVE FETISH - OH YES, YOU MALICIOUS LYING BASTARD, I'M GOING TO SET CRABBE ON YOU UNTIL YOU BEND, AND TIE YOU SPREAD EAGLE ON LONGBOTTOM'S BED! I'VE ALWAYS KNOWN YOU RAVENCLAWS ARE A BUNCH OF CUNNING, DEMENTED, LIE-TELLING, ANIMAL-TORTURING FREAKS! YOU JUST WATCH - I'M GOING TO TAKE SO MANY SODDING POINTS OFF YOUR SODDING HOUSE, THAT YOU WILL BE THE FIRST TO BE BEATEN BY HUFFLEPUFF IN 23 YEARS! AND I WILL HAVE NO HESITATION IN DOING SO - CUS YOURS IS THE ROTTEN HOUSE OF EVIL! EVIL! EVIL YOU HEAR ME? SCREW YOU!_

* * *

_

Second howler, from Head Boy to the Chief Editor of Hogwarts Enquirer

AND I DON'T MEAN THE SCREW YOU PART LITERALLY, SO DON'T BE GETTING ANY MORE IDEAS YOU SICK BASTARD!

* * *

My dearest, handsomest Dragon,

What is it I hear with you and Blaise? You poor, poor baby, staying at that damp, depressing dungeon all along with only the likes of Zabini to keep you company... Don't worry! It's Sexy Pansy to the rescue, and I will make you forget Zabini faster than you can say orgasm!

Your delicate flower, forever and ever,

Pansy

* * *

Parkinson,

I have three little magic words for you:

SOD OFF, FREAK!

Malfoy

* * *

Oh, you shy, sneaky hunky sex god you! I know you want me! Guess what? I talked daddy into letting me come for a visit - an **_overnight_** visit! Our family carriage should arrive there at about 12, we will have an entire afternoon for fun and relaxation, and then the whole night to fulfill your every fantasy, be it rough shagging or slow loving! (wink wink)

* * *

Granger,

I know I just owled you, but this is an emergency. Parkinson is coming tomorrow and she sounds sex deprived. Do something!

Malfoy

* * *

Malfoy,

Hm, hate to break it to you, but this is totally not my problem? Besides, the way I see it, you two are perfect for each other. She's sexually frustrated, and you need to get over your obsession with Harry's sex life. Honestly, whenever you make a crack about him, it always has to do with him shagging somebody. Are you sure the thing with Zabini was just a misunderstanding? Hmmm...

Seriously though, what do you expect me to do about Parkinson? Unless you get yourself a girlfriend within the next 24 hours, I don't see how anyone has the right to lecture her to death on any moral issues.

Granger

* * *

Granger, You may have the singing talent of a castrated hippogriff, but your mind sure is bloody brilliant! Listen, this is it - I need you to pretend to be my girlfriend!

I need you to owl me tomorrow, at exactly a quarter to 12:00. Give yourself a bimbo name and pretend you are my girlfriend, inviting me to stay over for Christmas. I will then go to Hogsmeade for some fire whiskey. Knowing Parkinson, she will be shagging Zabini by the time I get back. I just hope the black eye he's currently sporting won't damper the mood too much.

So what do you say, Granger? Do this, and I just might forgive you for the jab on my sexuality. Remember, you have to live with me for another 5 months.

Malfoy_

* * *

_

First page

Malfoy,

You might forgive ME? Ha! Now who's the one with all those bottles of hair and skin care products in the bathroom? I know so many hexes that would give the word 'ferret-face' a whole new meaning. Want to find out what I mean?

But, unlike you Slytherins, we Gryffindors are a forgiving, generous, and compassionate bunch. So here, do you think this would do the trick?

Granger

_Second page_

My sweet, sweet Dray-cocoa-poo,

How are you doing, my sugary darling love? I find myself bereft these days, without your gelled shiny head, your cocky smile, your pouty lips and your smart-ass insults. So please, come over and spend Christmas with me? I'll bake you cookies.

Love forever,

Britney

* * *

You will bake me cookies? Merlin's robes you stupid bint! Are you completely daft? I asked you to pretend to be my girlfriend, not my molest-happy grandaunt Patricia, who loves to stretch my cheeks and pinch my ass whenever she sees me!

And I don't have pouty lips!_

* * *

_

First page

Malfoy,

You are just in denial about the pouty lips, but that's okay. I mean, we all have our days. Here, I hope this suits your taste better? Just hope Parkinson won't do a trace signature spell on it.

Granger

_Second page_

Dearest Draco,

How are you doing, my love? I'm feeling bereft and utterly despondent without your presence. Will you come to spend Christmas with me? Please say yes, I've missed you very much.

Forever yours,

Britney

* * *

Granger,

This is more like it. Please send it tomorrow, a quarter before 12. Thanks.

Malfoy

PS: No worries about tracing spells. I mean, this is _PARKINSON_ we are talking about here. The bint is likely to know such an advanced charm as Longbottom beating you in potions.

* * *

Malfoy,

Will do. And while I know I'm going to regret it and bash my head repeatedly against the wall later, I feel bad giving you a fake invitation and then leave you to spend Christmas all by yourself. So, do you want to come to my house for a few days? You can even stay the rest of the holidays if you want. I okayed it with my parents.

Granger

* * *

A/N: Hmm, wonder what Draco will say to that:P

A hearty thank you to all my wonderful readers for the reviews. Please stay tuned for the next chapter, where the other 2/3 of the golden trio finally makes an appearance. Oh and, if you are wondering what exactly happened in the dungeons with Blaise and Draco, these two will exchange posts fairly soon. After all, they failed to strike a bargain when they started talking with fists.

Farangis


	4. Oh dear, is this misleading or what?

_I'm sorry it took me so long to get this chapter out. Work has been hectic. Sometimes I feel like a bloody house elf _

_This chapter is a bit different than the previous ones, mainly because I'm running out of inspiration for it. _

Disclaimer: See first chapter

_

* * *

December 23rd _

Dear Hermione,

Merry Christmas! I'm writing to you as I settle into the Burrow. That tiny vial someone slipped into someone else's hand during the train ride? It worked magic. No puns intended, really.

Anyway, back to the reason why I'm staying at the Burrow. I don't know what has gotten into my cousin Dudley, but all of the sudden he can't stop farting, _A LOT_. The odor was so hideous that the neighbors filed several complaints with the police, and the family dog ran away yesterday. Some ministry official came to investigate under the disguise of a muggle doctor, but he couldn't find any trace of magical involvement, and the poisonous gas drove him away before long. Uncle Vernon informed me this morning that my service at his grand Christmas party is no longer required, as they are canceling the whole thing due to Dudley's unfortunate... illness. And then he proceeded to merrily kick me out of the house. You might imagine what severe _heartache_ this caused me, but I bore it the best I could.

Hermione, I honestly don't know what I've done to deserve you, but thank you! You are absolutely the best, most brilliant and wonderful friend anyone could ever ask for.

Ron sends his love. He would write to you himself, but right now he is rather occupied with plans of destruction for Fred and George's latest invention, the 'cookie snatcher deathtrap.' That thing bit his ass last night when he tried to smuggle a plate up.

Yes I know, I'm rolling my eyes too.

Anyway, I hope you are enjoying your break. Write back soon!

Love, Harry

* * *

Dear Harry,

I'm sorry to hear about your cousin's unfortunate ailment. It's a shame you wouldn't be able to spend Christmas with your _loving_ relatives, but I'm sure Ginny's presence would do more than enough to lighten up your mood.

Enjoy your stay at the Burrow. You've earned it, as well as my friendship and so much more. You and Ron... you two helped me through thick and thin, stood by me when I'm at my best as well as my worst. You really are the best friends I could ask for, if only you'd stop trying to get me expelled.

Kidding! Somewhat.

Oh, please tell Ron to give me back my Transfiguration essay that is due after the break, will you? You think he would've learned after what happened last time. Or maybe he actually fancied that rainbow Mohawk hairdo I gave him? At any rate, this time I've put a rather... spunky bite hex on the parchment, to prevent anyone beside myself from opening it. I wasn't going to tell, but thought I'd be nice after his 'ordeal' with the twin's deathtrap.

Love, Hermione_

* * *

_

December 24th

Dear Hermione,

I'm returning your Transfiguration essay, but not before I subtly suggested Ron to start on his school works. So now he does have several bite marks on his hand to match the one on his ass – serves him right for making fun of me kissing Harry. Honestly, you'd think I'm the older sibling, not the other way around. Mum always did say 'boys will be idiots' , I'm beginning to see the infinite wisdom in that, more and more.

Anyway, I was thinking, do you want to meet up in Diagon Alley sometime before the break is over, and have lunch together? We haven't had a good chat since you became Head Girl, what with me do... err, _dating_ Harry and you always with Malfoy on patrol duties. I'd love to spend some quality time with you, like we used to do. I don't really have anyone else I can confide in. I mean, the girls in our house are all nice, but none of them can keep a secret. If I so much as mention kissing Harry in front of them, half the school will be grading his proficiency in the sack before the day ends.

Well, let me know if you are up to the idea. I'll write to you again soon, now that Hedwig is here. I love Pig, but he just isn't very reliable, among other things.

Love, Ginny_

* * *

_

First page

Dear Ginny,

I'd love to meet up with you. How does this Saturday sound to you? I may not be able to stay for very long though, because...

Okay, take a deep breath, and make sure no one else is around before you read on. And please, promise you won't scream.

I invited Malfoy over to spend Christmas with my family, and he accepted. He will be arriving here in 2 hours.

I know, I know... I _don't_ know what the hell I was thinking, when I invited him over! It's just... I feel kinda bad for him, you know? I mean, I'm glad Lucius Malfoy got what he deserved, but what kind of a mother leaves home for an extended vacation in Barbados as soon as her husband is thrown in jail, and abandons her son to spend Christmas all by himself? I just don't think it's right. Besides, Malfoy's been acting rather civil to me since we became heads. Sometime I think he's just xxxx

Please forgive the inkblot, Ginny, as well as the rest of this rather jumbled up post. Why don't I wait until we meet up to tell you everything? Oh and, you may tell Harry about this, but please keep it from Ron for the time being. I don't want him on my doorstep Christmas Eve, demanding blood, guts and Malfoy's head.

Love, Hermione

PS: Burn this piece of parchment as soon as you are done reading, and keep the second one, in case one of your brothers decides to snoop around. I believe what I wrote in it will satisfy their curiosity about the female population quite nicely.

_Second page_

Dear Ginny,

You won't believe what I got during my shopping spree yesterday! I bought this lovely pair of sandals, with thin, white straps and tiny red beads on the...

* * *

Dear Hermione,

Don't worry. The ingenious way in which you managed to ward off my nozy brothers ensured me that you haven't lost your mind. I saw George sneak out from my room just now, looking bewildered and muttering something about women, shoes and strange shopping fetishes in general.

Though I must confess, I'm very surprised that you extended such an invitation to Malfoy, even more surprised by the fact that he actually accepted it. Draco 'I have a pureblood stick up my ass, blah!' Malfoy spending Christmas at a muggle house? Who would have thought. Do you think they'll let me owl his dad in Azkaban? This is simply too good an opportunity to pass.

Well, enjoy your time with Malfoy. And I know you, Hermione, so don't, I repeat, DON'T analyze the situation to death. Just have fun. You can scrutinize a hundred reasons why you invited him over, but really, it all boils down to one thing: even if he is an ass, he is an ass with a great ass.

So there, go ahead and have a blast, enjoy the rear view. I want a full report of what happens on Saturday.

Love, Ginny

* * *

Dear Ginny,

Forgive me for using the back of this 'order viagra online' junk flyer. Malfoy is playing with my hair right now and the prat refuses to let me up to grab a fresh parchment.

Anyway, I just want to know if you have any moonflower powder handy? Malfoy wants some for his facial cream, but unfortunately I ran out.

Thanks, and I'll see you Saturday.

Love, Hermione

* * *

Mione, are you all right? What do you mean Malfoy is playing with your hair? And he refuses to let you up! What the bloody hell... Tell me this is a sick joke!

Ron

* * *

Weasel,

Why on earth would someone joke about such a mundane matter as brushing one's hair? I don't find it very laughable, do you? Or maybe you just don't know what the word 'joke' means. In that case, I suggest you look it up in a dictionary. It's that word smack in the middle between 'dumb' and 'poor', right next to your picture.

Don't disturb us again with your bloody mental owl. Granger is sleeping – I'm afraid I tired her out. Poor girl, she just isn't used to vigorous activities, is she? Oh and, do take your mind out of the gutter. I mean, although it did involve the two of us, her bedroom, and a variety of inspiring positions, it was all innocent fun...

Oh dear, I'm just not explaining this very well, am I? Well, merry Christmas, and sod off.

DM**_

* * *

Malfoy, you bastard! You better get your ferret hide out of Hermione's house this very instant, because Harry and I are coming over to beat you to a bloody pulp!_**

A/N: I know, I know, I skipped the actual letter in which Draco accepted Hermione's invitation. It's simply too hard to write and I gave up after a couple attempts. I'll just leave it to your imagination. Sorry! But, I will reference to it in the next and final chapter.

Yes, one more chapter, and then I'm ending this story. Thanks to everyone who read it, and especially those who helped me to pick out spelling and grammar mistakes.

I'm in the process of writing another more serious, more romantic, and much longer DM/HG fanfic called 'Fly Away.' (Yes, cliché, I know) Please stay tuned!

Farangis


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